Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Meditations from the Rim of Hell

Ebony’s Mother is pissed at me and tomorrow Ebony’s two aunts and grandmother arrive from North Carolina.

Had the meeting with Ebony’s doctors this afternoon. Her Neuro-Oncologist, one of the surgeons, a Neuro Resident, the lead attending physician for The Neurology wing and the social worker who arranged the meeting.

The Lead Attending explained that Ebony has a pulmonary embolism, or blood clot, in her lung and needs to be put on blood thinners to treat it but was now at risk for a number of things including stroke and bleeding on the brain. That she is stabilized is good because it lessens the risk somewhat. Her wound is healing nicely and they would likely take her off oxygen soon and switch her blood thinner IV to something milder and if she responds well to it, could be home this weekend.

The horrible news was an extended remix of the news we got Wednesday, delivered again by her Neuro-Oncologist: she cannot return to her Cancer treatment while on blood thinners, which means the tumor will continue to progress, which in turn means that there will be more incidents like last week as it continues. At this point he is recommending we do not continue treatment and consider hospice.

He and the social worker asked me if I knew Ebony’s wishes. I said that I know she doesn’t want to be on machines. The doctor made a point to tell me that I didn’t have to decide anything today and advised me that I should think about it, take some time and let them know.

The doctors left and I sat across from Ebony’s mother, who had turned sideways in her chair. The social worker asked me if I have considered Hospice and if I understood what it offers.

Her Mom got up in a huff and started walking out. I asked to stay became this is about Ebony. She said, "You're gonna do what you want, anyway," and left.

What sucks is that she is mad at me and I haven't made any decisions in or against Ebony’s favor. Clearly I have been distracted. I have been asking questions of the doctors and trying to get as much info before I make a decision. Problem is: the doctors, the social workers tell me, "You don't have to decide right now." And then ask you repeatedly if you have come to a decision.

Sundai seems to think I have made a decision to murder her daughter. I don’t know how she could think that, I just love Ebony so much. She's just so special. I held her hand for most of the afternoon and when I would take it away for a second to wipe the sweat from my palms or shake off the pins and needles, she would hold her hand up and look at me -- you ever a video of a cat pawing its owner to pet it? It was like that and it was heartbreaking and awesome.

But no decisions have been made and there is no rush for me to do so, so I’m not doing anything right now. Right now, the plan is: there is no plan.

Sundai went home, I am staying overnight with Ebony. The cast and crew of the North Carolina production of "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner " — Ebony’s two aunts and grandmother — arrive tomorrow. So I have that going for me.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

The Night Nurse is here to check Ebony’s vitals so I am going back down to Au Bon Pain to shore up their Forst Quarter profits as Inhabe been doing for the last ten days.

As I stare into the abyss I am starting to wonder if there is an Au Bon Pain in Hell and of so, is it possible that I am already there?